How much does a trashed hotel room really cost?

Credit: J. Meric/IMG Academy

WASHINGTON, April 15, 2013 - In February, 2013, over 300 NFL draft hopefuls converged on Indianapolis to perform for the biggest job interviews of their young lives. They ran, jumped, threw, lifted weights, and showed their tenacity and skill.

A couple of them may have also excelled in the age-old skill of acting like spoiled brats. Reports are out that a hotel room used by two players was trashed while they were there...CONTINUE READING

Four reasons we might be to blame for the Steubenville rape

WASHINGTON, DC, March 19, 2013 - On St. Patrick’s Day, a holiday known best for its green beer and corned beef sandwiches, two teenage football players from Steubenville, Ohio were convicted of raping a teenage girl from West Virginia last summer while she was drunk.

The repercussions of these two guilty verdicts shed four unwelcomed lights on how our society is getting it wrong when it comes to preventing violence of this type. 

1. We promote aggression and objectification. Kids are exposed to...  READ MORE...

Abuse in youth sports: Words CAN hurt you

The coach’s spit flew into his seven-year-old victims face: “You’re not tough enough to play football! You’re a pussy! You’ll never amount to anything! Get out of here and don’t bother coming back!” 

The young boy had been quietly standing outside a fence watching his former team practice. He quit the team a few days before because the coach constantly yelled at him (and other kids), but wandered back over to the field just to watch, since that’s where all his friends were.

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When the coach spied him, he stopped practice and unleashed the words that would change the boy’s life forever.

It was 1973 and the boy, James T., lived on a military base in Germany because his dad was a military contractor. The team he wanted to be part of, but very soon didn’t, was run by young recruits determined to whip those kids (ages 6-8) into shape.

After all, it was how they, as recruits, been whipped into shape at boot camp.

Abuse isn’t new to sports but the recent high-profile sexual abuse stories have dominated our thinking about it. Unfortunately, in some regions and in certain sports, verbal abuse is seen as commonplace and even a desired way of coaching. In others, it’s seen as the lesser evil type of abuse.

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SEE RELATED: Flacco’s $120.6M deal perpetuates unrealistic fable

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The Women’s Sports Foundation has determined its position on abuse in sports.

An excerpt:

“Any type of abuse has debilitating consequences both for its victims and for the society as a whole. In the context of athletic programs it lowers the self-esteem and limits the ability of participants to develop their full potential in sports and physical activities. It impairs the future capacity of its victims to experience full athletic participation and to pursue employment and leadership roles in athletics.

This, in turn, deprives the society as a whole of the contributions of these individuals and damages a genuine appreciation of participant’s athletic achievements and contributions.”

Further, the Foundation defines verbal abuse like this:

“Verbal Abuse – The most commonly occurring type of abuse in sports includes 1) name calling, 2) hurtful comments regarding performance, 3) swearing at players or game officials and 4) comments meant to demean a person’s integrity.”

Source

It should come as no surprise that verbal abuse perpetrated against young athletes can have long-term, devastating effects. According to Patricia Evans, author of The Verbally Abusive Relationship and Victory Over Verbal Abuse, “No one is more influenced by verbal abuse than a child. The negative impact of verbal abuse on children cannot be measured. Certainly some children succeed who were verbally abused in childhood but are they better people?” 

And that “typical” coach screaming? Not necessary, according to one source in the rugby world. 

In his article, “Verbal Abuse in Sports,” Tim Goodenough, Mental Toughness Specialist for RugbyIQ.com, writes:

“Why screaming sessions mostly don’t work is that the verbal attacks are commenting on the value of the individual, and not their behavior, they are personal and not about the group. The experience of hearing abuse from a trusted source – the coach – in front of the team, is negative enough to not support the player learning anything, other than to not want to have that experience again.”

“Screaming as a style breaks down relationships, a key component in high performance. Fear – often the result of a scream - is a very short-term motivator. Fear can be effective for brief moments of time however over the longer term fear is very seldom effective for high performance. (If ever – I haven’t met an athlete yet who performs at their best by experiencing strong fear).”

James is a case study for how early trauma related to sports can shape a person’s entire life. Now in his mid-forties and a successful professional in the Midwest, James is built like a swimmer and will admit that swimming and running are the only sports in which he truly likes participating. “I was never on a team, though. I never wanted to be. I didn’t want to be the last kid chosen, the fat kid, or the kid who was called out for not being good enough.”

In a society where men are often judged for their ability to be athletes and to talk sports, James shies away from as much of it as possible. “I can hold my own if I have to with clients,” he says of having to converse on sports. “But I don’t buy-in to the importance of sports for kids. Physical activity, yes. But not team sports.”

Four decades later, the abuse James suffered is still painful and evident. And his decision to stay out of sports seems more like a defense mechanism than a true choice. Given his height and build, one wonders if he would have made a good outfielder or forward. Maybe he would have enjoyed coaching.

Maybe his own son would be involved in sports.

James has never been on a team that worked hard to make a play happen, bummed out over a loss, or learned from a compassionate coach who grew men and not just athletes. He never heard his parents cheer him on from the sidelines or felt his friends pat him on the back for making a save.

And he won’t.

All because one coach, forty years ago, abused him so intensely and publicly that he eschewed sports forever. 

Organized youth sports are touted as great places for kids to learn teamwork, responsibility, accountability, and the importance of physical activity. But for some kids, sports are places where they suffer abuse, verbal or otherwise, at the hand of trusted adults, sometimes with the complicity of parents who are as invested in winning as the coaches are.

Experts in the fields of child and sports psychology encourage parents and coaches to make sure kids aren’t treated in a way that, off the team or in general, would be considered abusive. Otherwise, sports will be more detrimental to a child’s self-esteem and future participation in physical activity than not playing organized sports at all.

For more information on how parents can stop verbal abuse in sports, go to www.chillmanager.org.

Read more: http://communities.washingtontimes.com/neighborhood/chill-manager-sportsmanship-real-world/2013/mar/12/abuse-youth-sports-words-can-hurt-you/#ixzz2NQrCtk6A
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Flacco’s $120.6M deal perpetuates unrealistic fable

The U.S. is in a time of budget cuts, reduced social services, and high unemployment. Some professional athletes aren’t feeling that hurt, however, as evidenced by quarterback Joe Flacco’s $120.6/six year deal with the Baltimore Ravens.

By Keith Allison (originally posted to Flickr as Joe Flacco)
[CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)],
via Wikimedia Commons

Or are they?

According to Billy Corben’s 2012 documentary, 30 for 30: Broke, professional athletes are burning through their money faster than they can earn it. The film cites a Sports Illustrated report that revealed that 78% of former NFL players have gone bankrupt or are financially stressed after two years of retirement. Given that the average NFLcareer lasts just under three and a half years, that’s a wide swing from nothing, to everything, to nothing again in a short period of time.

The NBA isn’t much better. According to the same SI report, 60% of former NBA players are broke within five years of retirement.

One thing that lures kids and their parents into chasing the holy grail of sports is the hope of fortune. Who wouldn’t want a chance to score several or a hundred million dollars for a few years of work? It sounds like a dream come true, almost like winning the lottery. In fact, professional athletes who receive enormous contracts are often compared to lottery winners because of their quick and excessive spending.

True, the chances of winning a big-money lottery are lower than cashing in on a spectacular sports career, but not by a number that means very much. Each year, though, kids set their sights on being pro ball players and their parents do, too. According to the NCAA, in 2012 there were approximately 308,000 high school seniors playing football. From that pool, there were just over 17,000 NCAA freshman positions. Of that group, each year only 250-260 college athletes are drafted into the NFL. That gives a high school football player a .0008% chance of going pro.

Let’s say the high schooler is still completely convinced of his ability to play pro football. The average NFL salary is about $1.9 million a year. That’s the average, though. When you add in salaries like Joe Flacco’s new deal, that means a lot of guys are making a lot less than the average.

Despite the reality that most professional athletes make far less than we’re led to believe through commercials and lifestyles, families are still willing to sacrifice everything to get that ultimate paycheck. 

Often, families hire trainers, send their kids to exclusive camps, buy them the best equipment, and otherwise pay for the chance to make it in the big show.

However, as Billy Corben’s film shows, that ultimate paycheck is a fable for all but a handful of players. Not only does the income potential not last long, because of injuries and sports politics, but many professional athletes are unprepared for instant millionaire status and tend to spend unwisely, ultimately leading to the high number of bankruptcies cited by Sports Illustrated. By offering contracts like Flacco’s, sports franchises are sending out a siren song to kids who would be better served by studying and choosing a career with more longevity.

Now would be a great time for parents to save money on personal trainers. Instead, they can focus their kids on long-term academic achievement over long-shot Hail Marys. In the end, kids’ expectations of themselves will be more realistic and they will have a great chance of success in their (second) favorite career.

CHILL Manager is now being posted at The Washington Times Communities.

Mom, Dad!!! We're in the Super Family Bowl!

I'll admit that the Super Bowl ended like I hoped it would, because I was rooting for family.

I was completely intrigued the match-up between head-coach brothers, with parents and other family watching it unfold.

This was a game about family; it was a game in which every coaching decision seemed infused with decades of family and sibling dynamics. There wasn't a bold call made that didn't evoke a sense of one brother thinking, "Got ya" and the other brother thinking, "Not for long, buddy."

What makes the meme above so funny is that the real-life aspect of the game was in our faces the whole time. These aren't automatons or idiosyncratic sports idols first. These two men are brothers first. They've played, fought, undoubtedly made some bad decision as teenagers, and lived...together. There was no way to forget that bond (not to mention the fact that they look so much alike) as the game unfolded.

Julian Linden, in this article, wrote about how the brothers, and others, felt:

"I just love him obviously. I think anybody out there who has a brother can understand what that is all about," John said.

"The meeting with Jim in the middle was probably the most difficult thing I have ever been associated with in my life. I am proud of him."

The game, at the Superdome in New Orleans, was preceded by one of the most poignant moments ever witnessed in the 47 editions of the Super Bowl when a choir from Sandy Hook Elementary School joined Jennifer Hudson in a stirring rendition of "America the Beautiful".

The 70,000 spectators rose to their feet, many with tears in their eyes, as the children sang, nearly two months after the deadly shooting rampage at their Connecticut school.

"Our wish is to demonstrate to America and the world that, "We are Sandy Hook and we choose love," the school said in a statement.

So, obviously, it wasn't just about the Harbaugh family. The Sandy Hook Elementary kids who sang reminded us that, through a still-unspeakable tragedy, they are now our family, too. I don't know anyone, tough or not, who didn't grieve their way through the Sandy Hook school shooting by worrying about their own children and grandchildren. That makes us all connected.

Then, there are the Harbaugh parents. I have two sons who are 12 months apart; the Harbaugh coaches are only a little farther apart than that. Just this weekend I hurt for each of my own as they worked through sibling crap. I can't imagine how I'd feel if they were pitted against each other in one of the most important sporting events of every year...or how they'd feel for each other.

AP Photo: Coaches after the Super Bowl

From this Associated Press article, entitled "John Harbaugh 'hurting' for younger brother Jim":

Even as the clock ran out and the Baltimore Ravens jumped around and embraced each other, the winning coach strode toward center of the field hurting for his brother, Jim, as much as he was pleased for himself.

The short embrace between the Baltimore and San Francisco coaches on the floor of the Superdome, in which Jim briefly touched John's face, "was probably the most difficult thing I've ever done, ever been associated with in my life," John said.

"Jim is a great competitor," John Harbaugh added. "I just love him, obviously. I think anybody out there who has a brother can understand. I just believe in him and I have so much respect for him. I admire him. I look up to him in so many ways and I am hurting for him in that sense."

And later on in the article...

After watching John Harbaugh address the media, Jack and Jackie Harbaugh made their way across the ground level of the Superdome to the 49ers locker room, where Jack spoke with Jim behind closed doors. The Harbaugh parents had predicted that their thoughts would likely be more with whoever lost the game, because they figured that son would need them most.

We all know, as parents, that it's super easy to get caught up in our kids' games, especially when they are a BIG DEAL. And this was a BIGGER DEAL than a 4th grade soccer game or a 6th grade middle-school football game. Or, even a high school state championship or a college playoff game during March Madness. 

This Super Family Bowl shows us that family is more important than any of that. Shoot -- family is more important than the Super Bowl. And, this time of the year, nothing's bigger than that.

Joani, John, and Jim Harbaugh

** As I was writing this, I found a picture of the Harbaugh siblings that I just HAD to show my daughter, the youngest of my three and the lone girl behind two teenage brothers. "Look what they have! A YOU!"

Also, the only reason I even watched the game this year was because of my own family. Way to go, Uncle Dean!

Have you ever been in a situation where your kids were pitted against each other in a game? How did you feel? How did you handle it? Leave comments below...

Second Place--Not the Worst Place in the World

Yesterday, I was at Target and saw a t-shirt that said, "There is no 2nd place." That's odd, I thought. If there was a winner, didn't there have to be a loser (or more politically correct, a non-winner)? ;-)

Everyone likes to win. But it isn't always possible, which explains things like no-score games, participation ribbons, etc. But I think a balance has to be struck. It makes as little sense to have high school varsity games end with juice boxes and purple "Great Job" stickers as it does to have a national tournament for first-graders.

Younger kids, just learning a sport and (more importantly) learning what it's like to be on a team, need to be encouraged to like what they're doing. It's not fun to miss a catch 100 times in a row or hit off a tee because you can't get the bat around fast enough on the coach's pitch -- especially when there's a butterfly hovering over the bench or somebody's little sister just pooped her diaper. But if the overall experience is fun, kids may stick with sports past the age of 13, which is the age by which approximately 70% of kids have dropped out.

** When I started playing softball at age 10, which is arguably later than most kids start sports these days, I was assigned deep center field. Nearly every inning I was out there, I picked dandelions and made up stories about what was happening with all the kids on the bases. I didn't get yelled at, though, and I have no memory whatsoever how that team did. I just remember thinking, "I'd rather be where some of the action is," and so I worked a little harder.

In addition, I think it's okay to avoid the winner-takes-all (and WAAC) messages when kids are little. They don't need to be THE BEST 6-year-old flag football team. They really don't. They need to be the team that has the best time and learns how to play.

As kids mature, though, and their athletic skills improve, they need to know that 2nd place isn't the end of their lives; it's an opportunity for improvement. Second place isn't anything to scoff at, even when only two teams are playing. I haven't followed American Idol in years, but it seems to me that for awhile the 2nd place winners had the better record contracts...any AI fans out there who can corroborate that? Second place doesn't doom someone to failure unless the expectations are too high.

Why isn't 2nd place so bad? Because at least the kids are out there, presumably having fun. There's only something wrong with 2nd place if we teach the kids that there is. Just like there's only something wrong with throwing off-footed if...well...

BUT even more than 2nd place being not bad, why is 2nd place essential? Second place doesn't exist just so 1st place can lord it over someone. Second place is essential to kids learning how to lose gracefully, congratulate a worthy opponent, take stock of how they could have done things differently, and grow together as a team. In individual sports, 2nd place is essential for all the same reasons except instead of growing together as team, maybe the athletes grow with a coach.

Although the cartoon at the beginning of this post is sarcastic, there is reason to accept something less than #1, if you've given it your all. And, sorry Target, there really is a second place, and as a parent, I'm glad for it.

What do you think? Is there value in 2nd place or does that teach kids not to try very hard? Leave your comments below or on our Facebook page: CHILL Manager Sportsmanship in the Real World.

Also, follow us on Twitter: @CHILL_Manager
And check out our website: www.chillmanager.org

See you around!

Sex Tapes and Sportsmanship

Yeah, you read that right. Not only are kids taping themselves having sex (sooo dumb), but they are making the tapes part of their sports team's culture. In one case, making the tape may have been part of a "tradition." In another, it was covered up because of a team's standing in the community -- adults and other students pretended the problem didn't exist, even when the sex tape showed rape.

But the entitlement and sexism that causes sex tapes to be made and distributed does exist and it's a big deal because it wrecks the very concept of sportsmanship by destroying lives through sport instead of enhancing them.

Here are three situations to think about.

1) Minnesota high school hockey -- This month, almost half of Maple Grove High School's hockey team starters were suspended for two games for undisclosed reasons. The very few people who have opened up about the situation indicate it might have to do with the alleged viewing party of an alleged sex tape. School officials are not commenting and no charges have been filed. Read full story here. (startribune.com)

However, when all the suspended players returned to the ice, they were greeted with cheers. Michael Kaszuba and Dennis Brackin of the StarTribune wrote: "Despite the loss, Stefano [the coach] said, the team vibe had the feel of a recent six-game winning streak. 'Guys were positive and eager to get back on the ice and play some hockey,' he said."

"In an e-mail Vernig [a school official] sent to parents of high school students earlier Thursday, she wrote that the action plan is 'a work in progress. Changing culture will require time, and I assure you that we will take every opportunity to create learning opportunities so that we can influence future behavior.'

"During the news conference, Vernig said that kids 'make dumb decisions sometimes,' then was asked if this wasn't something more serious.

"'There's a lot of work that needs to be done here when we talk about character, when we talk about community, when we talk about integrity, when we talk about responsibility and respect,' she said."

I think the first place to start is maybe not reward the behavior of the players who were suspended. Right? Don't those players need to work a little harder at earning back the respect of adults, peers, young women, and their sport, than just missing two games? Should they really be welcomed back as if they're on a winning streak? I guess so, if "winning" is defined by trampling ethics and morals and perpetuating the sexification of young women.

1) DeMatha Catholic High School football (Maryland) -- In this situation, no sex tapes have emerged (although you gotta believe there are some). Instead, three members of the football team, while out of town for a game, decided to order up some prostitutes for a 5 a.m. booty call. What I find interesting about this situation is that some parents were very quick to blame the chaperones on the trip, rather than the kids themselves. Read full story here.

"'My concern is where were the coaches and chaperones and how did this happen?' the parent said. 'These are boys, you should have been on them, knocking on their doors...Why are there [18] coaches at this hotel and kids are able to sneak three prostitutes in at 5 a.m?'"

My questions about this situation are a) Why is it so important to travel around for high school football? b) Why aren't the parents who are quick to cast stones looking at the kids' culpability? c) How would that parent have felt if his/her son didn't get any sleep because the chaperones were so busy knocking on doors all night? (Not good, I'm guessing.)

Arguably, this situation may not involve the culture of a team or a school. Instead, it might just be three teenage boys who felt entitled to break the rules. But, one should ask if they felt that entitlement because they are on a nationally-recognized football team -- one that is, unfortunately, even more well-known now.

3) Steubenville Ohio's high school football team -- This situation is the epitome of how sports and a sports culture can ruin lives. In this case, two football players allegedly raped an unconscious 16-year-old girl, recorded it, and somehow it got leaked to the internet. By accident -- not by whistleblowers. See this video of the story. See this piece in Ms. Magazine.

Michael Kimmel, in Ms. Magazine, wrote "They did what they did because they felt entitled to, because they knew they could get away with it. Because they knew that their coaches, their families, their friends, their teammates and the police department--indeed, the entire town would rally around them and protect them from the consequences of what they've done." 

That's the problem, isn't it? The adults in some of these kids' lives would rather circle the wagons and protect/support their investment (read: son) than look at the issues of entitlement, sexism, and elitism.

It has to stop if we want the youth and high school sports culture to become a place where our kids feel safe and learn valuable lessons about being good citizens. As a parent of two teenage boys, I've talked to them both about never, never, EVER taking pictures of or videotaping any type of "act," even if it's just kissing. I hope I'm too early to give them that warning (and that they listened more carefully than usual), but they need to understand the ramifications of treating others with disrespect and then showing the online world how awesome it is.