Frustrated hockey player takes it out on his community

In Farmington, Minnesota, a Twin Cities suburb that still straddles the line between bedroom community and farmland, residents love their town and their sports teams.

A late-game surprise during the February 12th high school hockey game, though, showed something different -- something that points out the fragile relationship between a community and its high school sports "heroes." One of Farmington's goalies decided he was fed up with his coaches and didn't care who knew it.

Here's what happened:
The Farmington goalie deliberately scored a goal against his own team, tying the game. Then, he removed his glove, flipped off his coaching staff, and saluted the parents and fans. Finally, he took himself out of the game and went to the locker room. Watch the video --

At first (and probably last) glance, the goalie was just plain wrong to express his pent-up frustration the way he did. Flipping off your coach in public, causing your team to lose, and quitting the team on senior night are about as unsportsmanlike as it gets. The only thing that could have made it worse was if someone had gotten physically hurt, too.

But I can't help but wonder about the story before that story. What caused him to snap? According to a post the goalie made on Facebook, here's what he believed:

"They played this sophomore goalie for the starter, he was terrible, I would try and talk to the coaches about this and tell them I want playing time but they never really listen to me or gave me a chance to show them that I'm a better goalie but still wouldn't trust me so I had it it with I asked a few of my players if they care if I did it and they didn't care they thought it would be funny so at the third period they dumped it in I stopped it put in my net started to skate off then flicked the coaches not the team the coaches then I saluted them then got off. 

My hockey season is over. I did it for myself. [Like my status] if you think the coaches should quit:)"

So was this a situation where the parents and coaches were WAAC-ed out (wanting to win at all costs) and a player got lost in the quest? Or was this a situation in which the player wasn't a "team" player and was only looking out for himself? Is it possible it was a little bit of both?

Part of the problem with emphasizing competitive sports too much is that kids' expectations, like ours, become unrealistic. Clearly the Farmington goalie thought he was better than the sophomore goalie who got more playing time. His coaches didn't. Was he too confident or were they blind? At this point, no one knows. The coaches may have thought it was more important to try to win games earlier in the season than to give a senior the opportunity to finish out his high school career with more game time. (He was in the game when this all happened, though, so they must have decided that playing a senior on senior night was the appropriate thing to do.)

Somewhere along the line there was a breakdown in both communication and intention. And I'm betting it didn't start February 12th, 2013 or even February 12th, 2012. I'm betting it happened much earlier, probably when the goalie was playing in his first Squirt games.

In Minnesota, high school hockey coaches are usually very involved in their towns' youth hockey programs. From 3rd grade on, coaches know who the good skaters are, who are middling, and who aren't that good at all. Tryouts are really only for the handful of kids who might have improved over the summer. As a former hockey parent myself, I have no doubt that the teams are formed, not on the ice, but around a beer or soda. Every hockey parent out there has a story of how a player bombed tryouts because of an injury and he made the A team anyway. Or the kid who busted his butt all summer long, spent countless hours at a rink during the best months in Minnesota, still only making the C team because another kid's dad could coach the B team if his kid was on it.

For the Farmington goalie to still be playing hockey as a senior, he must have been told that he was good at some point -- either by his coaches or his parents. Otherwise, he would have been cut before now. So it's no wonder he was pissed that he wasn't getting playing time and a kid who hadn't put in the time he had was starting in front of him. He felt entitled to that playing time; he felt he deserved that playing time.

However, the coaching staff, who had probably known him for seven or eight years, had some reason to allot playing time the way they did. They're paid to coach; winning games is a good way to keep that job.

I tried to contact the goalie but didn't get a response. So we don't know how far back the problems went. But a frustrating situation, created by expectation and hubris, set into motion the events that eventually caused the unsportsmanlike conduct on February 12th.

What do you think?

I'd love to hear from the coaches or anyone else involved with this. If you know someone who knows someone who might want to email me, please pass this along.

I can be reached via the website at www.chillmanager.org. Thanks!

Sex Tapes and Sportsmanship

Yeah, you read that right. Not only are kids taping themselves having sex (sooo dumb), but they are making the tapes part of their sports team's culture. In one case, making the tape may have been part of a "tradition." In another, it was covered up because of a team's standing in the community -- adults and other students pretended the problem didn't exist, even when the sex tape showed rape.

But the entitlement and sexism that causes sex tapes to be made and distributed does exist and it's a big deal because it wrecks the very concept of sportsmanship by destroying lives through sport instead of enhancing them.

Here are three situations to think about.

1) Minnesota high school hockey -- This month, almost half of Maple Grove High School's hockey team starters were suspended for two games for undisclosed reasons. The very few people who have opened up about the situation indicate it might have to do with the alleged viewing party of an alleged sex tape. School officials are not commenting and no charges have been filed. Read full story here. (startribune.com)

However, when all the suspended players returned to the ice, they were greeted with cheers. Michael Kaszuba and Dennis Brackin of the StarTribune wrote: "Despite the loss, Stefano [the coach] said, the team vibe had the feel of a recent six-game winning streak. 'Guys were positive and eager to get back on the ice and play some hockey,' he said."

"In an e-mail Vernig [a school official] sent to parents of high school students earlier Thursday, she wrote that the action plan is 'a work in progress. Changing culture will require time, and I assure you that we will take every opportunity to create learning opportunities so that we can influence future behavior.'

"During the news conference, Vernig said that kids 'make dumb decisions sometimes,' then was asked if this wasn't something more serious.

"'There's a lot of work that needs to be done here when we talk about character, when we talk about community, when we talk about integrity, when we talk about responsibility and respect,' she said."

I think the first place to start is maybe not reward the behavior of the players who were suspended. Right? Don't those players need to work a little harder at earning back the respect of adults, peers, young women, and their sport, than just missing two games? Should they really be welcomed back as if they're on a winning streak? I guess so, if "winning" is defined by trampling ethics and morals and perpetuating the sexification of young women.

1) DeMatha Catholic High School football (Maryland) -- In this situation, no sex tapes have emerged (although you gotta believe there are some). Instead, three members of the football team, while out of town for a game, decided to order up some prostitutes for a 5 a.m. booty call. What I find interesting about this situation is that some parents were very quick to blame the chaperones on the trip, rather than the kids themselves. Read full story here.

"'My concern is where were the coaches and chaperones and how did this happen?' the parent said. 'These are boys, you should have been on them, knocking on their doors...Why are there [18] coaches at this hotel and kids are able to sneak three prostitutes in at 5 a.m?'"

My questions about this situation are a) Why is it so important to travel around for high school football? b) Why aren't the parents who are quick to cast stones looking at the kids' culpability? c) How would that parent have felt if his/her son didn't get any sleep because the chaperones were so busy knocking on doors all night? (Not good, I'm guessing.)

Arguably, this situation may not involve the culture of a team or a school. Instead, it might just be three teenage boys who felt entitled to break the rules. But, one should ask if they felt that entitlement because they are on a nationally-recognized football team -- one that is, unfortunately, even more well-known now.

3) Steubenville Ohio's high school football team -- This situation is the epitome of how sports and a sports culture can ruin lives. In this case, two football players allegedly raped an unconscious 16-year-old girl, recorded it, and somehow it got leaked to the internet. By accident -- not by whistleblowers. See this video of the story. See this piece in Ms. Magazine.

Michael Kimmel, in Ms. Magazine, wrote "They did what they did because they felt entitled to, because they knew they could get away with it. Because they knew that their coaches, their families, their friends, their teammates and the police department--indeed, the entire town would rally around them and protect them from the consequences of what they've done." 

That's the problem, isn't it? The adults in some of these kids' lives would rather circle the wagons and protect/support their investment (read: son) than look at the issues of entitlement, sexism, and elitism.

It has to stop if we want the youth and high school sports culture to become a place where our kids feel safe and learn valuable lessons about being good citizens. As a parent of two teenage boys, I've talked to them both about never, never, EVER taking pictures of or videotaping any type of "act," even if it's just kissing. I hope I'm too early to give them that warning (and that they listened more carefully than usual), but they need to understand the ramifications of treating others with disrespect and then showing the online world how awesome it is.