Satirical band The Lonely Island produced a song called "
Who Said We're Wack?" In it, there's a monotonous series of rhetorical questions: "Who said we're wack? Did you say we're wack?" At the end of the short song, they figure out who was saying they were wack and the crowd turns on him.
Today, I'm that person...although I'm hoping you don't turn on me. :-)
As a group of sports parents, we're WAAC-ed. We're caught up in Winning At All Costs. And because we're WAAC-ed, I'm going out on a limb to say that we're also, well, something else that ends in -ed.
Here's why:
Quite a bit of research has been done that suggests that narcissism, and its related mental illness
Narcissistic Personality Disorder, is on the rise in the United States. Some researchers say the rise in narcissism is at the same rate as the rise in obesity. Ouch.
According to
Daniel Altman, in
Newsweek, there is a distinct pattern of behavior which has led us to where we are today -- a place where sidelines of youth sports games are rife with politics and polemics. From
"United States of Narcissism":
"So how did this happen? In their book, The Narcissism Epidemic, Jean M. Twenge and W. Keith Campbell find the origins of self-obsession in the 1960s, when people began to cast off societal constraints and expectations in favor of exploring their own human potential. This movement didn’t begin with a purely narcissistic slant, yet by the 1970s it had morphed into self-admiration, self-expression, and self-absorption. In the 1980s those qualities gave way to self-centeredness and self-indulgence, and it was all downhill from there."
WAAC (winning at all costs) is a manifestation of the narcissism running rampant in our society. We feel we
deserve to win, and if our kids are extensions of ourselves, they
deserve to win, too. An official or coach or other parent who stands in the way of that
deserves whatever poor sportsmanship we can heap on them. Isn't that the sad reality?
But, there's a bigger problem here. Researchers have also found that Narcissistic Personality Disorder isn't necessarily an in-born thing. It can be caused and created by parents who value WAAC.
Lisa Firestone, PhD, in her
Psychology Today blog called
"Is Social Media to Blame for the Rise in Narcissism," wrote:
"Self-esteem differs from narcissism in that it represents an attitude built on accomplishments we've mastered, values we've adhered to, and care we've shown toward others. Narcissism, conversely, is often based on a fear of failure or weakness, a focus on one's self, an unhealthy drive to be seen as the best, and a deep-seated insecurity and underlying feeling of inadequacy." (Originally published at http://www.psychalive.org/2012/06/self-esteem-vs-narcissism/)
"It is important to understand that narcissism stems from underlying feelings of inadequacy. Many children of the millennial generation were given form rather than substance, presents instead of presence, which leaves children feeling insecure. Empty praise causes children to feel entitled while lacking the true confidence necessary to feel good about themselves. Our society's shift towards instant gratification appears to be having a negative effect on our kids."
Hold up. So when we heap pressure on our kids to perform in ways they may not be able to, especially after telling them since they were toddlers that they're they greatest thing ever, we're setting our kids up for failure. But to avoid failure, they will do whatever it takes to succeed because they're entitled to succeed. And to protect our fantasy that they're still the greatest thing ever, so will we. Enter WAAC.
It's no wonder kids and parents are so stressed out at games! Parents have an ego-investment in their kids doing well -- doing GREAT -- and anything that stands in the way is a problem. Kids know that they will avoid disappointing their parents if they perform...and if they can't, they better find a scapegoat for why they didn't. At youth and high school sporting events, the top three contenders for scapegoat are always: official, coach, teammate. Hence, all the cat-calling and huff-puffing.
CHILL Manager asks kids and parents to set aside their WAAC mentality and simply enjoy a game for what it is: a free-time activity. And, that's a hard sell.
Just last night, I had dinner with a friend who told me about the situation on her son's high school basketball team. According to her, the coach belittles the players all the time. "But," she said, "The good news is that he berates them all equally." She went on to say that her son and one friend really don't like playing on the team and it's just not fun anymore. When I asked what would happen if they just quit or didn't play next year, she said, "They'd lose their lifestyle. What would they do without basketball? They have basically played year-round since 5th grade. So it's a way of life for them. If they quit or decide not to do it next year -- they will have to be pretty strong about finding other interests...I think their view is it's kind of late in the game for changing gears. But as adults, we know they have their whole lives in front of them to make choices about what to do."
So, here are two talented basketball players who love the sport, but hate playing for a coach who treats them like crap (but equally...how magnanimous) and who fear leaving the environment that has become their lives. These are kids whose parents don't subscribe to WAAC, but who are on a team of people who do -- and their mistakes cost the others to WAAC out.
** As a side note, before dinner she was at her son's game and the parent on the opposing team had a fit because his son was called for two technicals and benched. Apples and trees, just saying. They learn it young.
For sportsmanship to have a chance, we have to be willing to set aside WAAC. Winning really isn't the most important thing in our our children's lives and, if you can believe that, then we need to fill that spot with something more realistic and healthy. Like playing for fun, for the love of the sport, and for the life lessons we can learn.
In upcoming posts, I'm going to be writing about the effect of stress on our bodies and how quickly (though not necessarily easily) WAAC can be erased from our sidelines...
