Mom, Dad!!! We're in the Super Family Bowl!

I'll admit that the Super Bowl ended like I hoped it would, because I was rooting for family.

I was completely intrigued the match-up between head-coach brothers, with parents and other family watching it unfold.

This was a game about family; it was a game in which every coaching decision seemed infused with decades of family and sibling dynamics. There wasn't a bold call made that didn't evoke a sense of one brother thinking, "Got ya" and the other brother thinking, "Not for long, buddy."

What makes the meme above so funny is that the real-life aspect of the game was in our faces the whole time. These aren't automatons or idiosyncratic sports idols first. These two men are brothers first. They've played, fought, undoubtedly made some bad decision as teenagers, and lived...together. There was no way to forget that bond (not to mention the fact that they look so much alike) as the game unfolded.

Julian Linden, in this article, wrote about how the brothers, and others, felt:

"I just love him obviously. I think anybody out there who has a brother can understand what that is all about," John said.

"The meeting with Jim in the middle was probably the most difficult thing I have ever been associated with in my life. I am proud of him."

The game, at the Superdome in New Orleans, was preceded by one of the most poignant moments ever witnessed in the 47 editions of the Super Bowl when a choir from Sandy Hook Elementary School joined Jennifer Hudson in a stirring rendition of "America the Beautiful".

The 70,000 spectators rose to their feet, many with tears in their eyes, as the children sang, nearly two months after the deadly shooting rampage at their Connecticut school.

"Our wish is to demonstrate to America and the world that, "We are Sandy Hook and we choose love," the school said in a statement.

So, obviously, it wasn't just about the Harbaugh family. The Sandy Hook Elementary kids who sang reminded us that, through a still-unspeakable tragedy, they are now our family, too. I don't know anyone, tough or not, who didn't grieve their way through the Sandy Hook school shooting by worrying about their own children and grandchildren. That makes us all connected.

Then, there are the Harbaugh parents. I have two sons who are 12 months apart; the Harbaugh coaches are only a little farther apart than that. Just this weekend I hurt for each of my own as they worked through sibling crap. I can't imagine how I'd feel if they were pitted against each other in one of the most important sporting events of every year...or how they'd feel for each other.

AP Photo: Coaches after the Super Bowl

From this Associated Press article, entitled "John Harbaugh 'hurting' for younger brother Jim":

Even as the clock ran out and the Baltimore Ravens jumped around and embraced each other, the winning coach strode toward center of the field hurting for his brother, Jim, as much as he was pleased for himself.

The short embrace between the Baltimore and San Francisco coaches on the floor of the Superdome, in which Jim briefly touched John's face, "was probably the most difficult thing I've ever done, ever been associated with in my life," John said.

"Jim is a great competitor," John Harbaugh added. "I just love him, obviously. I think anybody out there who has a brother can understand. I just believe in him and I have so much respect for him. I admire him. I look up to him in so many ways and I am hurting for him in that sense."

And later on in the article...

After watching John Harbaugh address the media, Jack and Jackie Harbaugh made their way across the ground level of the Superdome to the 49ers locker room, where Jack spoke with Jim behind closed doors. The Harbaugh parents had predicted that their thoughts would likely be more with whoever lost the game, because they figured that son would need them most.

We all know, as parents, that it's super easy to get caught up in our kids' games, especially when they are a BIG DEAL. And this was a BIGGER DEAL than a 4th grade soccer game or a 6th grade middle-school football game. Or, even a high school state championship or a college playoff game during March Madness. 

This Super Family Bowl shows us that family is more important than any of that. Shoot -- family is more important than the Super Bowl. And, this time of the year, nothing's bigger than that.

Joani, John, and Jim Harbaugh

** As I was writing this, I found a picture of the Harbaugh siblings that I just HAD to show my daughter, the youngest of my three and the lone girl behind two teenage brothers. "Look what they have! A YOU!"

Also, the only reason I even watched the game this year was because of my own family. Way to go, Uncle Dean!

Have you ever been in a situation where your kids were pitted against each other in a game? How did you feel? How did you handle it? Leave comments below...

We're WAAC-ed: Winning At All Costs vs. Sportsmanship

Satirical band The Lonely Island produced a song called "Who Said We're Wack?" In it, there's a monotonous series of rhetorical questions: "Who said we're wack? Did you say we're wack?" At the end of the short song, they figure out who was saying they were wack and the crowd turns on him.

Today, I'm that person...although I'm hoping you don't turn on me. :-)

As a group of sports parents, we're WAAC-ed. We're caught up in Winning At All Costs. And because we're WAAC-ed, I'm going out on a limb to say that we're also, well, something else that ends in -ed.

Here's why:

Quite a bit of research has been done that suggests that narcissism, and its related mental illness Narcissistic Personality Disorder, is on the rise in the United States. Some researchers say the rise in narcissism is at the same rate as the rise in obesity. Ouch.

According to Daniel Altman, in Newsweek, there is a distinct pattern of behavior which has led us to where we are today -- a place where sidelines of youth sports games are rife with politics and polemics. From "United States of Narcissism":

"So how did this happen? In their book, The Narcissism Epidemic, Jean M. Twenge and W. Keith Campbell find the origins of self-obsession in the 1960s, when people began to cast off societal constraints and expectations in favor of exploring their own human potential. This movement didn’t begin with a purely narcissistic slant, yet by the 1970s it had morphed into self-admiration, self-expression, and self-absorption. In the 1980s those qualities gave way to self-centeredness and self-indulgence, and it was all downhill from there."

WAAC (winning at all costs) is a manifestation of the narcissism running rampant in our society. We feel we deserve to win, and if our kids are extensions of ourselves, they deserve to win, too. An official or coach or other parent who stands in the way of that deserves whatever poor sportsmanship we can heap on them. Isn't that the sad reality?

But, there's a bigger problem here. Researchers have also found that Narcissistic Personality Disorder isn't necessarily an in-born thing. It can be caused and created by parents who value WAAC.

Lisa Firestone, PhD, in her Psychology Today blog called "Is Social Media to Blame for the Rise in Narcissism," wrote:

"Self-esteem differs from narcissism in that it represents an attitude built on accomplishments we've mastered, values we've adhered to, and care we've shown toward others. Narcissism, conversely, is often based on a fear of failure or weakness, a focus on one's self, an unhealthy drive to be seen as the best, and a deep-seated insecurity and underlying feeling of inadequacy." (Originally published at http://www.psychalive.org/2012/06/self-esteem-vs-narcissism/)

"It is important to understand that narcissism stems from underlying feelings of inadequacy. Many children of the millennial generation were given form rather than substance, presents instead of presence, which leaves children feeling insecure. Empty praise causes children to feel entitled while lacking the true confidence necessary to feel good about themselves. Our society's shift towards instant gratification appears to be having a negative effect on our kids."

Hold up. So when we heap pressure on our kids to perform in ways they may not be able to, especially after telling them since they were toddlers that they're they greatest thing ever, we're setting our kids up for failure. But to avoid failure, they will do whatever it takes to succeed because they're entitled to succeed. And to protect our fantasy that they're still the greatest thing ever, so will we. Enter WAAC.

It's no wonder kids and parents are so stressed out at games! Parents have an ego-investment in their kids doing well -- doing GREAT -- and anything that stands in the way is a problem. Kids know that they will avoid disappointing their parents if they perform...and if they can't, they better find a scapegoat for why they didn't. At youth and high school sporting events, the top three contenders for scapegoat are always: official, coach, teammate. Hence, all the cat-calling and huff-puffing.

CHILL Manager asks kids and parents to set aside their WAAC mentality and simply enjoy a game for what it is: a free-time activity. And, that's a hard sell.

Just last night, I had dinner with a friend who told me about the situation on her son's high school basketball team. According to her, the coach belittles the players all the time. "But," she said, "The good news is that he berates them all equally." She went on to say that her son and one friend really don't like playing on the team and it's just not fun anymore. When I asked what would happen if they just quit or didn't play next year, she said, "They'd lose their lifestyle. What would they do without basketball? They have basically played year-round since 5th grade. So it's a way of life for them. If they quit or decide not to do it next year -- they will have to be pretty strong about finding other interests...I think their view is it's kind of late in the game for changing gears. But as adults, we know they have their whole lives in front of them to make choices about what to do." 

So, here are two talented basketball players who love the sport, but hate playing for a coach who treats them like crap (but equally...how magnanimous) and who fear leaving the environment that has become their lives. These are kids whose parents don't subscribe to WAAC, but who are on a team of people who do -- and their mistakes cost the others to WAAC out. 

** As a side note, before dinner she was at her son's game and the parent on the opposing team had a fit because his son was called for two technicals and benched. Apples and trees, just saying. They learn it young.

For sportsmanship to have a chance, we have to be willing to set aside WAAC. Winning really isn't the most important thing in  our  our children's lives and, if you can believe that, then we need to fill that spot with something more realistic and healthy. Like playing for fun, for the love of the sport, and for the life lessons we can learn.

In upcoming posts, I'm going to be writing about the effect of stress on our bodies and how quickly (though not necessarily easily) WAAC can be erased from our sidelines...