We're WAAC-ed: Winning At All Costs vs. Sportsmanship

Satirical band The Lonely Island produced a song called "Who Said We're Wack?" In it, there's a monotonous series of rhetorical questions: "Who said we're wack? Did you say we're wack?" At the end of the short song, they figure out who was saying they were wack and the crowd turns on him.

Today, I'm that person...although I'm hoping you don't turn on me. :-)

As a group of sports parents, we're WAAC-ed. We're caught up in Winning At All Costs. And because we're WAAC-ed, I'm going out on a limb to say that we're also, well, something else that ends in -ed.

Here's why:

Quite a bit of research has been done that suggests that narcissism, and its related mental illness Narcissistic Personality Disorder, is on the rise in the United States. Some researchers say the rise in narcissism is at the same rate as the rise in obesity. Ouch.

According to Daniel Altman, in Newsweek, there is a distinct pattern of behavior which has led us to where we are today -- a place where sidelines of youth sports games are rife with politics and polemics. From "United States of Narcissism":

"So how did this happen? In their book, The Narcissism Epidemic, Jean M. Twenge and W. Keith Campbell find the origins of self-obsession in the 1960s, when people began to cast off societal constraints and expectations in favor of exploring their own human potential. This movement didn’t begin with a purely narcissistic slant, yet by the 1970s it had morphed into self-admiration, self-expression, and self-absorption. In the 1980s those qualities gave way to self-centeredness and self-indulgence, and it was all downhill from there."

WAAC (winning at all costs) is a manifestation of the narcissism running rampant in our society. We feel we deserve to win, and if our kids are extensions of ourselves, they deserve to win, too. An official or coach or other parent who stands in the way of that deserves whatever poor sportsmanship we can heap on them. Isn't that the sad reality?

But, there's a bigger problem here. Researchers have also found that Narcissistic Personality Disorder isn't necessarily an in-born thing. It can be caused and created by parents who value WAAC.

Lisa Firestone, PhD, in her Psychology Today blog called "Is Social Media to Blame for the Rise in Narcissism," wrote:

"Self-esteem differs from narcissism in that it represents an attitude built on accomplishments we've mastered, values we've adhered to, and care we've shown toward others. Narcissism, conversely, is often based on a fear of failure or weakness, a focus on one's self, an unhealthy drive to be seen as the best, and a deep-seated insecurity and underlying feeling of inadequacy." (Originally published at http://www.psychalive.org/2012/06/self-esteem-vs-narcissism/)

"It is important to understand that narcissism stems from underlying feelings of inadequacy. Many children of the millennial generation were given form rather than substance, presents instead of presence, which leaves children feeling insecure. Empty praise causes children to feel entitled while lacking the true confidence necessary to feel good about themselves. Our society's shift towards instant gratification appears to be having a negative effect on our kids."

Hold up. So when we heap pressure on our kids to perform in ways they may not be able to, especially after telling them since they were toddlers that they're they greatest thing ever, we're setting our kids up for failure. But to avoid failure, they will do whatever it takes to succeed because they're entitled to succeed. And to protect our fantasy that they're still the greatest thing ever, so will we. Enter WAAC.

It's no wonder kids and parents are so stressed out at games! Parents have an ego-investment in their kids doing well -- doing GREAT -- and anything that stands in the way is a problem. Kids know that they will avoid disappointing their parents if they perform...and if they can't, they better find a scapegoat for why they didn't. At youth and high school sporting events, the top three contenders for scapegoat are always: official, coach, teammate. Hence, all the cat-calling and huff-puffing.

CHILL Manager asks kids and parents to set aside their WAAC mentality and simply enjoy a game for what it is: a free-time activity. And, that's a hard sell.

Just last night, I had dinner with a friend who told me about the situation on her son's high school basketball team. According to her, the coach belittles the players all the time. "But," she said, "The good news is that he berates them all equally." She went on to say that her son and one friend really don't like playing on the team and it's just not fun anymore. When I asked what would happen if they just quit or didn't play next year, she said, "They'd lose their lifestyle. What would they do without basketball? They have basically played year-round since 5th grade. So it's a way of life for them. If they quit or decide not to do it next year -- they will have to be pretty strong about finding other interests...I think their view is it's kind of late in the game for changing gears. But as adults, we know they have their whole lives in front of them to make choices about what to do." 

So, here are two talented basketball players who love the sport, but hate playing for a coach who treats them like crap (but equally...how magnanimous) and who fear leaving the environment that has become their lives. These are kids whose parents don't subscribe to WAAC, but who are on a team of people who do -- and their mistakes cost the others to WAAC out. 

** As a side note, before dinner she was at her son's game and the parent on the opposing team had a fit because his son was called for two technicals and benched. Apples and trees, just saying. They learn it young.

For sportsmanship to have a chance, we have to be willing to set aside WAAC. Winning really isn't the most important thing in  our  our children's lives and, if you can believe that, then we need to fill that spot with something more realistic and healthy. Like playing for fun, for the love of the sport, and for the life lessons we can learn.

In upcoming posts, I'm going to be writing about the effect of stress on our bodies and how quickly (though not necessarily easily) WAAC can be erased from our sidelines...

Sex Tapes and Sportsmanship

Yeah, you read that right. Not only are kids taping themselves having sex (sooo dumb), but they are making the tapes part of their sports team's culture. In one case, making the tape may have been part of a "tradition." In another, it was covered up because of a team's standing in the community -- adults and other students pretended the problem didn't exist, even when the sex tape showed rape.

But the entitlement and sexism that causes sex tapes to be made and distributed does exist and it's a big deal because it wrecks the very concept of sportsmanship by destroying lives through sport instead of enhancing them.

Here are three situations to think about.

1) Minnesota high school hockey -- This month, almost half of Maple Grove High School's hockey team starters were suspended for two games for undisclosed reasons. The very few people who have opened up about the situation indicate it might have to do with the alleged viewing party of an alleged sex tape. School officials are not commenting and no charges have been filed. Read full story here. (startribune.com)

However, when all the suspended players returned to the ice, they were greeted with cheers. Michael Kaszuba and Dennis Brackin of the StarTribune wrote: "Despite the loss, Stefano [the coach] said, the team vibe had the feel of a recent six-game winning streak. 'Guys were positive and eager to get back on the ice and play some hockey,' he said."

"In an e-mail Vernig [a school official] sent to parents of high school students earlier Thursday, she wrote that the action plan is 'a work in progress. Changing culture will require time, and I assure you that we will take every opportunity to create learning opportunities so that we can influence future behavior.'

"During the news conference, Vernig said that kids 'make dumb decisions sometimes,' then was asked if this wasn't something more serious.

"'There's a lot of work that needs to be done here when we talk about character, when we talk about community, when we talk about integrity, when we talk about responsibility and respect,' she said."

I think the first place to start is maybe not reward the behavior of the players who were suspended. Right? Don't those players need to work a little harder at earning back the respect of adults, peers, young women, and their sport, than just missing two games? Should they really be welcomed back as if they're on a winning streak? I guess so, if "winning" is defined by trampling ethics and morals and perpetuating the sexification of young women.

1) DeMatha Catholic High School football (Maryland) -- In this situation, no sex tapes have emerged (although you gotta believe there are some). Instead, three members of the football team, while out of town for a game, decided to order up some prostitutes for a 5 a.m. booty call. What I find interesting about this situation is that some parents were very quick to blame the chaperones on the trip, rather than the kids themselves. Read full story here.

"'My concern is where were the coaches and chaperones and how did this happen?' the parent said. 'These are boys, you should have been on them, knocking on their doors...Why are there [18] coaches at this hotel and kids are able to sneak three prostitutes in at 5 a.m?'"

My questions about this situation are a) Why is it so important to travel around for high school football? b) Why aren't the parents who are quick to cast stones looking at the kids' culpability? c) How would that parent have felt if his/her son didn't get any sleep because the chaperones were so busy knocking on doors all night? (Not good, I'm guessing.)

Arguably, this situation may not involve the culture of a team or a school. Instead, it might just be three teenage boys who felt entitled to break the rules. But, one should ask if they felt that entitlement because they are on a nationally-recognized football team -- one that is, unfortunately, even more well-known now.

3) Steubenville Ohio's high school football team -- This situation is the epitome of how sports and a sports culture can ruin lives. In this case, two football players allegedly raped an unconscious 16-year-old girl, recorded it, and somehow it got leaked to the internet. By accident -- not by whistleblowers. See this video of the story. See this piece in Ms. Magazine.

Michael Kimmel, in Ms. Magazine, wrote "They did what they did because they felt entitled to, because they knew they could get away with it. Because they knew that their coaches, their families, their friends, their teammates and the police department--indeed, the entire town would rally around them and protect them from the consequences of what they've done." 

That's the problem, isn't it? The adults in some of these kids' lives would rather circle the wagons and protect/support their investment (read: son) than look at the issues of entitlement, sexism, and elitism.

It has to stop if we want the youth and high school sports culture to become a place where our kids feel safe and learn valuable lessons about being good citizens. As a parent of two teenage boys, I've talked to them both about never, never, EVER taking pictures of or videotaping any type of "act," even if it's just kissing. I hope I'm too early to give them that warning (and that they listened more carefully than usual), but they need to understand the ramifications of treating others with disrespect and then showing the online world how awesome it is.

Feel-Good Video of the Week: Man Wins $75K and Hug from LeBron James

Yes, Everyman can win, too!

Check out this video of "Mike D" tossing one up at halftime of a Miami Heat game to sink the hook shot and win $75,000. But what's even cooler (I think) is the giant, joyful hug he gets from LeBron James after he nails it.

Feel-Good Video of the Week - Click Here

Sports Parent Resources and Forum

Many wonderful sports organizations have information for parents to help them teach their kids about the importance of athletics and sportsmanship. Our website, www.chillmanager.org has set up a couple of pages for parents and coaches to poke around on for resources or discuss current topics.

Resources: Currently, this page lists a National Federation of High Schools course for sports parents. It's extremely informative and FREE. In addition, there is a document there from the Diablo Scorpion Youth Lacrosse program in California with more information for coaches and parents about how to be an effective and supportive sports parent. If you would like CHILL Manager to post a resource, please contact us via the website at www.chillmanager.org's "contact us" page.

Parent Pulse Discussion Forum: This page is for parents who want to participate in discussions about sportsmanship and other issues facing us as sports families. Sign-up and a login are required. All comments are moderated. Current topics are:

1. Welcome and introduce yourself.
2. How young is too young to be recruited for college sports?
3. Lacrosse Industry News: As a parent, should we be worried about manufacturers using suggestive product names?

You must be signed in to start a new discussion thread, or you can contact us and we'll get it going for you.

Thanks!

Player Safety: Not Just About Coaching and Equipment

If you've ever questioned why parents' sideline behavior matters, read on...

One of the most important papers I've read on the topic of sportsmanship and its relationship to player safety is this one:

PLAYER SAFETY IN YOUTH SPORTS: SPORTSMANSHIP AND RESPECT AS AN INJURY-PREVENTION STRATEGY by Douglas E. Abrams, Associate Professor of Law, University of Missouri School of Law

In it, Mr. Abrams recounts this story --

The night was November 3, 1999, and only seconds
remained in a junior varsity hockey game between two bitter
local rivals, New Trier High School and Glenbrook North
High School, at the Rinkside Sports Ice Arena in Gurnee, a
suburb of Chicago.1 New Trier was comfortably ahead, 7–4, in
the teams’ first encounter since Glenbrook North had edged
New Trier 3–2 for the Illinois State Junior Varsity Title a
season earlier.2

Junior varsity contests do not normally provide lasting
memories in any sport, but this early-November game would
be different. Beginning shortly after the opening faceoff,
“violence flared repeatedly” and “the mood grew ugly.”3
Eyewitnesses would later describe the game as “an intense
battle,”4 with each team’s parents and students heckling rival
fans and players.5 The teams themselves traded taunts and
squared off in altercations, unrestrained by their respective
coaches6—leaders that pediatric professionals recognize as
“the most important individual[s] for maintaining safety” in
youth leagues.7

One coach reportedly left the bench and strode onto the ice
in the middle of the game to confront a referee,8 and the
Glenbrook North coach allegedly “incit[ed] his players to ‘take
special action’” against New Trier’s fifteen-year-old
sophomore, cocaptain Neal Goss, whose three goals helped
seal his team’s ultimate victory.9 In total, the referees called
sixteen penalties,10 a particularly high number for a junior
varsity hockey game.11

When the final buzzer sounded to end the contest, or
within a second or two thereafter, a fifteen-year-old
Glenbrook North player skated full speed across the ice,
blindsided Neal Goss, and cross-checked12 him headfirst into
the rink’s sideboards.13 “This is what you get for messing,”14
the player allegedly said as Goss laid on the ice, permanently
paralyzed from the neck down.15

(to read the entire paper, click here)

As a parent, I can't read that story without getting chills -- and not the good kind. I've been at games that have gotten that heated. I've been at games where I was sure someone was going to get hurt, as they inevitably did (though thankfully not catastrophically), because everyone who should have been in control just wasn't.

In the summer of 2010, it was an absurdly cold day in Minnesota (hey, it was summer -- it gets warm here then!). I was supervising a semi-final game for the Youth Lacrosse of Minnesota state tournament. The game was an odd match-up -- the Red team had a deep bench of smaller kids; the Blue team had a short bench of really big kids. During that time in Minnesota, the district where a team played its regular season sometimes had an impact on how stringently the rules were followed all year. Come state tournament time, some teams were unpleasantly surprised to see rules being called that hadn't been. (Consistent standards have since been adopted and more strictly enforced.)

The result was that the Blue team felt they were getting cheated by the officials. They weren't getting any calls to go their way; many times during the game they had a guy or two in the penalty box. Tensions rose. Parents got angry. Kids got pissed. A kid on the Red team got injured. Then another one. Then the Blue team got two penalties at the same time.

In short, sportsmanship was a goner because the parents and players were mad and out for blood. (I will say, though, that the coaches weren't the ones causing issues. Both staffs were attempting to settle things down, as were the officials.)

With just four minutes left in the fourth quarter, a big player from the Blue team (who, as you might expect, was losing) had enough. He ran onto the field as fast as he could and went straight for the kid from the other team, who had the ball. He decked him. Hard.

The chaos that ensued was horrible. An official had to wrestle the offender to the ground and hold him there to keep him from hitting anyone else. Coaches ran onto the field to check on the injured player. Players from both benches rushed out to join in the fight. Parents were screeching and threatening each other. It was five minutes of hell, followed by ten minutes of sorting out the damage.

In the end, the injured player was okay. The Blue team had two players ejected and three in the box (two to serve bench penalties and one because he was there at the start of the fracas). The game was essentially over.

Where did this game between 13 and 14 year olds go wrong?

Here's what I think:

1) In one team's district, there was less emphasis placed on adhering to the rules. All the teams in that area decided, probably through omission, that they would play a looser lacrosse.
2) At the state tournament, the Blue team felt picked on because they were getting dinged every time they did something they could get away with all season. They felt the other team had an unfair advantage.
3) Parents took up swords by jawing at each other all game.
4) Players from both teams taunted each other.

Despite the attempts by coaches and officials to stem the anger-tide, one player decided it was time to get revenge. It's only by sheer luck that someone didn't get more seriously, or even permanently, injured.

For anyone who thinks equipment safety or better coaching are the only solutions, these two stories show that parents play as big a role in games getting out of control as players, coaches, or officials. In the lacrosse game, the parents could have prevented this by enforcing respect for the game's rules with their kids and the coaches all season. Once at the state tournament, the parents could have explained to their kids that they had to adjust their play to fit the rules. The parents could have kept their mouths shut and not engaged in their own battle up in the stands.

Sportsmanship starts and ends at home. What we see at games is just a reflection of parents' basic attitudes about appropriate game-time behavior.

Do you believe parents have the power or the responsibility to change the course of a team's enjoyment of a game? Let us know...below.

Sportsmanship: Is it Simple Human Decency?

Finding articles about poor sports is a little like shooting into a barrel of fish. Or, as simple as Googling "sports." Poor sports make the news; entitled crybabies steal headlines. Poor sports get rewarded with time and attention and sometimes even money.

But, if CHILL Manager is promoting sportsmanship, we should be able to produce stories about what good sportsmanship looks like.

So I started researching things like "Good Sports," "Good Sportsmanship," and "Positive Sportsmanship." I read many articles about athletes helping other athletes out on the field or around the track. I read about teams allowing kids who would otherwise never touch the ball get a freebie touchdown. I read about athletes giving up their own dreams just to make sure another athlete was safe.

See this post by Scott Allen: 10 Acts of Good Sportsmanship. There are tear-jerkers in there. There are stories that make you nod and think, "That shows real character."

Yes, those are all amazing stories of sportsmanship.

When I compared the heart-warming tales of rejecting racism during the Olympics or fighting through excruciating pain to cross a finish line to a definition of sportsmanship, one of the things they had in common was that someone (coach or athlete) wasn't willing to win at all costs. The other thing they had in common was this: Every act was one of simple human decency.

The reason CHILL Manager came into existence is that I saw a lack of sportsmanship (think: decency) in youth sports in my sport and in my area. Not everyone, certainly, was lacking. Just enough to make it unpleasant for others and potentially cause a downward spiral in acceptable parent/player behavior. It was in response to the need for more attention on sportsmanship that CHILL Manager was born.

I've often wondered when it is that someone decides that decency can sit on the end of the bench picking daisies while the rest of the game goes on. At what point does a coach think, "It's okay to cheat"? When does a parent resolve, "I'm going to scream at that official until she changes her mind"? How does a player learn, "I can trip him this way and the official won't notice"? I worry about a youth sports culture in which decency isn't a main consideration under which games are played, but is the leftover, if-we-get-time, piece of gaming. Believe it or not, telling someone "good game" because it's required isn't the same as infusing a team, or a league, or an entire sport with sportsmanship.

Promoting sportsmanship means being willing to reward higher-hanging fruit when it comes to acceptable attitudes and behaviors from parents at games. But here's a cynical question: If sportsmanship is the same as simple human decency, why should we reward it as if it's something special? Shouldn't just expect it?

Ideally, yes. But in a sports-focused culture that rewards the opposite, it's time to start a rebellion -- and create an army of parents, coaches, and athletes who are willing to reinforce only that behavior that is decent. It won't be easy to go against the urge to win at all costs, but it's the right thing to do.

Won't you join us?

For more information about CHILL Manager, go to www.chillmanager.org or contact me directly at jennimcmc@ymail.com.

Sportsmanship Lessons in the NFL

Huddle up, cheer, "Yay rah team, yay rah (other team), yay rah parents!" 
Line up, shake or slap hands and say, "Good game," even if we lost.

Those are some of the most basic instructions a youth coach will give a team. Kids, be grateful for your team, the other team, and your parents. Show good sportsmanship, win or lose, by shaking hands with the other team after the game.

In lacrosse, teams are now being asked to shake hands before the game as well, which seems like a good trend, in my opinion. Some players will even shake the hands of officials after the game. Also not a bad idea, I think.

It's bothered me for a long time that some professional sports don't do any of those sportsmanship rituals. After the Patriots lost to the Ravens in the game that determined who was going to the Superbowl and who was going home, Bill Belichick (head coach of the Patriots) left the field without giving an interview. Shannon Sharpe, former NFL player and now commentator, "ripped" on Belichick for poor sportsmanship.

Bill Belichick, Patriots head coach
(courtesy of rumoursandrants.com)

John Harbaugh, Ravens head coach
(courtesy of sportsillustrated.cnn.com)

But was it? I found a couple of differing opinions on the subject.

First, I came across this blog by Frank Schwabe on Yahoo Sports' Shutdown Corner. In this piece, Schwabe agrees with Shannon Sharpe that Bill Belichick should have given a post-game interview to CBS, as is expected, despite the loss.

Bill Belichick stiffs CBS after the game, Shannon Sharpe rips him for being poor loser

But here's another take on it all by Kevin Patra of NFL.com, who points out that Belichick did meet his contractual requirement to answer questions after the game and he's not required to give a post-game, on-field interview, and people are making too much of it.

Bill Belichick ripped by Shannon Sharpe for CBS snub

What do you think? On the one hand, interviews and air time are so wrapped up in the big money of pro sports that there seems to be little room or reason for sportsmanship. Plus, it's not like Belichick walked off the field without congratulating John Harbaugh on the win. On the other hand, if it's perceived that walking off the field and shunning the "ritual" of the post-game, on-field interview is poor sportsmanship, maybe it is?

And a bigger question -- should professional athletes and teams be required to go through the rituals of sportsmanship before and/or after games? Share your thoughts below.

Also, a special shout-out to my uncle, Dean Pees (Defensive Coordinator for the Ravens and former Defensive Coordinator for the Patriots), for making it to the Superbowl again! Although, we may have to chat about his "Tonya Harding" defense... :-)

Dean Pees Thought to ‘Hire Tonya Harding,’ Spray Water Outside Patriots’ Bus in Order to Stop Tom Brady, by Luke Hughes (nesn.com)

Uncle Dean
(courtesy of Getty Images)

The Fake Dead Girlfriend Edge: Manti Te'o's Crazy Life

Ah, Sportsmanship. Under a strict definition, sportsmanship is respect for the rules of the game (whatever game you want), respect for officials and their authority, respect for opponents as worthy adversaries, respect for one's team and teammates, and respect for oneself and one's principles.

So when a player, or a player's misguided and potentially deranged fan, decides that having a fake dead girlfriend is the best way to get ahead, is that a violation of sportsmanship or just poor decision making? If you're not sure what I'm talking about, Google Manti Te'o. He's a Notre Dame football player with a long-time, long-distance relationship with a woman he never met, who supposedly died during the season. Except -- she never existed at all. Te'o claims he was the victim of an elaborate hoax and had no involvement whatsoever. I'm not sure I'm buying it.

Manti Te'o

I love this opinion from Bill Plaschke of the LA Times:

Manti Te'o hoax never should have gotten this far

By Bill Plaschke

January 18, 2013

This country's most inspirational sportsman is exposed as a cheat. Two of the greatest players in baseball history are denied entry into the Hall of Fame because they are cheats. The NFL spends the first three weeks of the season using fake referees. A college football powerhouse admits to switching uniform numbers and deflating footballs.

Into a sports world filled with deceit stepped Manti Te'o with a story too good to be true, too necessary to be questioned.

Mr. Plaschke does a fabulous job writing about how the media, Notre Dame, and even the public didn't ask the right questions in order to out this hoax. We wanted Te'o's story to be true because other big-time sports stories stunk so badly. True love and heartbreak could still win out over all odds (or at least over Michigan State). We wanted someone to finally be telling the truth so we could still believe in that American dream of exorbitant pro contracts.

But here's what I'm thinking. I don't believe Manti Te'o was oblivious to the hoax. I've got older teenage boys and, while there is certainly a lot of e-relationship stuff that goes on (Facebook, texting, and Skyping at all hours), they wouldn't consider a young woman a girlfriend unless they'd actually met and, at the very least, held hands. Shoot -- I spent my fair share of hours on a twisty-corded landline phone doing homework while "talking" to my boyfriend, but he wasn't my boyfriend unless we'd at least talked or passed notes in the high school hallway. And that was in the dark ages.

So, we're to believe that this good-looking football stud from one of the most prestigious universities in the country had a girlfriend he'd never met? That their entire relationship was via electronic devices? If true, that in and of itself is one of the saddest commentaries on modern relationships. But I'm still not buying it.

In an interview with ESPN, ABC News reports that Te'o said "My relationship with Lennay wasn't a four-year relationship," Te'o said, according to ESPN.com. "There were blocks and times and periods in which we would talk and then it would end."

Does anyone else see that as bet-hedging for when his other girlfriends come forward?

As a mother, I think I'd want to meet my son's girlfriend at some point in the relationship. At the very least, I would have sent flowers to the hospital where she lay in a coma. I would have crocheted her a beanie to cover her head during chemo. I would have wanted more than a half-dozen photos of the woman my son cared about so much and the e-relationship that I, myself, had with her family.

So maybe she wasn't a "girlfriend," but a "girl friend." Okay. That would make some sense. But still.

Having a desperately ill, then tragically deceased, girlfriend did nothing but help Te'o's visibility. It positioned him in front of cameras, in front of fans, and in front of awards committees. But let's say he really, truly thought she was real. Isn't it still a little questionable to ride to the top on the wave of your real dying/dead girlfriend?

Back to my original question: How does any of this relate to sportsmanship? He didn't break any rules of the game. He didn't tamper with equipment to gain an advantage. He didn't take performance-enhancing drugs like Mr. A. Is this really a situation of poor sportsmanship?

I think so. First, it shows that the pressure to get noticed in order to get a pro contract is so great that even a good player (or his misguided stalker, as the case may be) will do anything to rise to the top of the pile (or get the object of his stalking there). It bends the rules of ethics in order to gain an advantage.

Secondly, if it turns out that anything Te'o is saying about the situation is a lie, we'll have a player who didn't respect his teammates or his school enough to keep them from participating in the hoax. Part of sportsmanship is having respect for oneself and one's teammates, right? Not duping them.

Hoaxes aren't limited to sports, though. Last summer, Ray Dolin, a writer who was hitchhiking across the U.S. in order to do research for a book on the kindness of strangers, was shot in the arm. By himself.
Read the story here. The difference between what Dolin did and this situation with Manti Te'o is that millions of dollars weren't at stake.

Ray Dolin

** Most kids don't grow up thinking "I want to write for Random House!" Parents aren't leveraging their retirement funds to pay for writing coaches and a vitamin regimen sure to inspire more creative plot lines. It's just not happening because there aren't the fame and fortunes in writing that there are in sports. Yes, some authors pen best-sellers that turn into major motion pictures. But that number is tiny compared to the number of professional athletes out there. Personally, I've never seen someone wearing a "Tom Clancy's Future Wife" t-shirts. Oh, wait...

But I digress. As a society, we believe in the fairy tale of physical prowess equaling success and attention. Some of us push our kids to believe in that fairy tale, too. But since 99% of all kids aren't going to become celebrithetes (or even pros), we've got a lot of pressure to make sure they get into the 1% crowd.

Which leads to players resorting to the fake dead girlfriend edge. Which just has to be wrong.

The Rise of the Celebrithete: The Celebrity of Athletes

In my posts, I'll be referring to a certain class of athletes as "celebrithetes." It's probably self-explanatory, but when I do that, I'm referring to those athletes who are also celebrities because of their athletic achievements.

** A few years ago, someone coined the phrase "celebutante" to describe people like Paris Hilton, who was arguably a celebrity because she was a wealthy heiress (debutante).

Celebrithete is like that, only different -- obviously. A celebrithete is someone who has climbed to the top of his or her sport and sought the limelight and a lifetime-long fifteen minutes of fame because of athletic success. A celebrithete blurs the line between athlete and rock star, or movie star, or A-lister at parties, or pitchman/woman.

A celebrithete is a person young athletes idolize and strive to be like. Celebrithetes can be good influences and have a humongous platform for giving kids positive messages about physical fitness, education and charity...or they can do other things that aren't so good.

Anyway, it's my made-up word of the week so you'll be seeing a lot of for awhile. :-)

Lance Armstrong: Sucking the Life out of Sportsmanship

With all the stories in the new this week about athletes "ruining" sports, it was hard to pick what to write about. But, since my favorite color is yellow, I'm going with Lance Armstrong, bad sport extraordinaire.

In case you haven't heard, the rumors are true. Lance Armstrong cheated at the sport he loved by taking performance-enhancing drugs, transfusing himself with better blood, and suing people he knew were telling the truth about him. But while he was doing all that, he was also taking his story of being a cancer survivor, philanthropist, and greatest cycler of all time and parlaying it into a zillion dollars and worldwide fame.

Is it any wonder our kids think the ends justify the means? Is it any wonder our young athletes think nothing of cheating on the field when the payoff is so awesome?

What's truly amazing to me is how Mr. Armstrong (or Mr. Livestrong to those of us who bought into the yellow wristband) has now owned up to his mistakes in a publicity grab that rivals anything else he's ever done. So yet again, if grown ups can cheat, lie, and bully to get attention...then publicly confess it to get even more attention, what's to stop our kids from thinking that's the right way to live?

I know what -- US.

Parents, coaches, and adults who teach our kids that cheating and lying and bullying aren't the right way to behave, even if the other team is taking shots at ankles and using equipment that's been subtly enhanced.

But people, we can't tell them how to behave one way if we're still idolizing super-athletes, dopers or not. I challenge you to find one celebrithete who hasn't fallen. Tiger Woods? Big-time fall. I'm dating myself here, but Pete Rose? Gone. I challenge you to give me one name of someone who has reached the pinnacle of their sporting career and not been accused of something. Yeah, I know -- being accused doesn't mean they did anything wrong. But have we yet to find someone who hasn't, eventually, 'fessed up?

We are part of the problem. We give our money and our attention to people who claim to have worked hard the old-fashioned way and yet, inevitably, let us down. Instead of doing that, let's show our kids that the true winners and stars in sports are the ones who help an opponent off the ground when he's knocked on his butt or told the other team "Good game" after their nail-biting volleyball match.

If you want the bullet points of Mr. Armstrong's interview on Oprah, see this article in the Chicago Tribune:
Chicago Tribune Article.

If you want other perspectives on the Lance Armstrong super-scam, here are more links:

Pete Rose's advice to Lance Armstrong
Why we need to stop enabling profession athletes
Confession wins little applause

What Does CHILL Stand For?

Good question. CHILL stands for a few things. First, since we're talking about sportsmanship (and the lack thereof in many circumstances), CHILL means "Hey -- CHILL OUT!" 

But also what it means is this: 

COOL

HEADS

INSTILL

LIFE

LESSONS

Cool heads instill life lessons. Seems pretty obvious, right? You'd think.

As someone who is conflict-averse (and you'll hear much more about that as we go along), I really detest conflict in general. But more specifically, I detest conflict at sporting events where I want to watch my kid play, enjoy chatting with other parents, and relax. Nothing ruins a game for me (and since it's not all about me, ruins a game for a lot of people) quicker than a bunch of parents throwing barbs at the officials or each other, kids tossing off F-bombs like the parents can't hear, or players exacting revenge for some perceived injustice.

I don't like it. But that's just me. Do you like it? Have you ever felt uncomfortable at a youth or high school game because some person, a mom or dad, just can't shut up and enjoy themselves? Have you ever been the one who can't shut up?

Granted, there are times when I'm disappointed in a call. And I say things like, "C'mon, you've got to call that!" But, then I settle back down and let everyone do their jobs. In short, I chill out.

As for the "life lessons" part of CHILL: think about this. We want our kids to grow up to be well-adjusted, successful adults, right? Anyone out there want their kid to grow up to be a wife-beater or serial killer? No? Of course not. But when we parents scream our heads off, show disrespect to officials or coaches or other adults, or even coach our kids to take matters into their own hands, we're not showing them that we want them to grow up to be well-adjusted adults. We're showing them that we want them to grow up and be loud-mouthed pains in the ass just like we are.

CHILL Manager (TM) came about because I wanted to bring the fun back into youth sports. Not just the fun of winning on the field and gelling as a team. But also the fun of wanting to go to practice because that's where friends are. Of wanting to go to games (even as adults) because it's a positive experience.

Being on a team teaches our kids how to get along with others. Let's show them we know that life lesson, too.

Welcome to the CHILL Manager Blog!

Thanks for stopping by the CHILL Manager blog! This blog is dedicated to posts about sportsmanship -- real life examples of what's right with sports and what's not so right. This is an interactive blog, so feel free to post comments and questions. If you have a story to share, contact me directly at jennimcmc@ymail.com.

Our website is www.chillmanager.org (www.chillmanager.com will work too!). There you'll find additional resources and some CHILL Manager Swag. Parents: I just learned recently that "swag" means cool stuff that relates to an organization. I love the word, so my apologies for over-using it for a little while. :-)

CHILL Manager (TM) is a program designed to promote sportsmanship by training parents, players, and coaches in the right way to act during games. Check out the post "What Does CHILL Stand For?" for the answer to the question I know's burning a hole in you.

See you around!